Assalammualaikum.. 

It feels awkward to be back, after months of leaving this space empty... Well, I wasn't went missing completely.. I was still here, almost all the time but I might have to say, I was temporarily distracted with the gaming life in "Plato"..Yup, you read it right.. I was addicted to it like 24/7 and I even played it whenever I could, except when I need to complete my assignments, obviously but still, I would be playing during the break.. So yeah, that was the sole reason why I didn't write for months.. Sorry but not so sorry.. 😆

Well, on the bright side, I didn't have time to be sad because I was enjoying my life to the fullest. Okay not exactly the fullest, there're times where I just felt like losing myself all over again but then "Plato" distracted me in a good way. It kept me away from twitter and Instagram so I don't really feel the negativity as much as I used to be. See, it's good to be away from the soc-med for awhile. Well, if any of you do played "Plato" as well, feel free to add me "Flavnesz94" and maybe we can play Literati together? 😙

Okay, enough with "Plato" and let's see, what had I achieved throughout this year..?

If I should sums up my 2018 in one word, I would say, it was a year of growth. It started pretty bad when I was in negativity towards my friends but once I pulled myself away, everything turned out different in 360 degree. I experienced a lot this year, on how to value myself more, why I should always see the bright side in life and what should I do whenever I'm in negativity. 

Yup, it was the year for me to learn and know about myself the best. It was dumb to realize how I used to be holding on the past so much, hoping that everything would be just fine while all I should do is to move forward and just seize every moment that I could have. I no longer care for the past, neither longing for those whom never appreciate my existence but I think there are some past issues that turns into grudge, which I feel it was unhealthy and I really want to resolute it but I know it won't be over till I confronted the person. Maybe 2019 is the year for me to become outspoken...? I don't know..

The best thing that occurred to me this year was that I'm able to make few new amazing friends and I'm delighted to be surrounded by them. They were super helpful and Alhamdulillah, some were always with me towards ups and downs and my days were never dull, thanks to them.. I'm so grateful to be able to living my life throughout this year.

Dear 2018, you had been the year filled of roller coaster rides but I'm surviving with a better version of me. Thank you for teaching me to become the strongest I had ever been and may this strength remains inside me forever. Welcome 2019..! Feel free to step in and just please be the best  year in my life..! Well, not only for me but for everyone.. Shall you..? ❤

ps:// My final exam for this semester is coming in less than 36 hours..  Wish me luck, please?

Assalammualaikum..

#7seriesofwriting 1: Love [click here]

#7seriesofwriting 2: Lonely [click here]
#7seriesofwriting 3: Jealousy [click here]
#7seriesofwriting 4: Betrayal [click here]

If a pain is something to begin with..

How shall I begin at the first place..?

A little of tears..?

Junks of memories..?

or a laughter in awe..?

Healing a deep breath.. 

It hurts somewhere...

Things... or memories...?

What made this empty..?

Why does it hurts so much..?

The empty stare..

The chattering noises...

But nothing stays in mind...

Sudden tears strolled down the stream...

Where is the missing pieces to begin with..?

written by;

Assalammualaikum...

Out of all sad songs that I think related to my life so far, almost all of them could make me choked temporarily whenever listening to them but somehow, none let me into tears anymore... It's like I'm half-immortal from them and I do feel the sadness, the memories do triggered me but it ended there..

However, there's one song that never failed to get through me and made me into tears.. And somehow, once it gets into my ears, the lyrics would get through the inner me and I would repeat the same song, again and again till I'm satisfied of crying... 

I know there's lot's of songs that could be related with devotion but somehow, Imran just delivered the emotions better...Actually it's been quite some time that I forgot about this song, had been listening to "Menanti Janji" by Ronnie all the way to release my inner scream but again, I don't cry listening to it but "Selamat Ulang Tahun Sayang" is just another different level of song.. *brings myself away*

It's been so long since my last rant on life and I just felt like ranting tonight... To be honest, I kinda broke my words on updating during this semester break as I didn't even realized that I had wasted a lot.. Well, I spent my first week by taking care of my sister's cats as she went back to her in laws in Ipoh while her cats were barely surviving.. Well, one of the cat is not in good condition, she couldn't walk properly, often struggles and couldn't be cured since she's too old as a cat.. 15 years of human's life is too much enough for a cat to live but oh well, as long as she's surviving, we'll just treat the best as we could.. 

Well, to be honest I could just update my blog since there's wifi there but here's another deal.. I'm too occupied with japanese movies during my stay there and somehow, I find them rather satisfying.. I thought my addiction ended but then 2 days before I'm back to Seremban, I started to watch a Taiwanese drama and caught to be in love with it and thus, my obsession on dramas continued once I'm back to my hometown.. I finished korean dramas in a week; Familiar Wife, Still 17 and My Id's Gangnam Beauty (gonna write a review on them, soon) and despite all of those dramas, I'm caught to in loved with TV3's Malay dramas as well.. So yeah.. I'm showering my life with dramas all the time.. 🙈

As much as I wanted to write, I kinda have some issue by debating, what should I write..? I wanted to complete the 7 Series of Writings and 30 Songs Challenges but somehow, I'm just in a good mood that I couldn't even be in my normal self, I mean, to be in melancholic me.. I don't even bother on checking the soc-med much, simply because I'm just enjoying my life to the blast..

Things came out pretty well for me so far.. Alhamdulillah, I'm striving my goals to achieved dean lists for every semester and my results came out pretty satisfying, I don't think on being lonely anymore since the dramas had been my companion and I wanted to focus on my diet but then, I had a thought of "kalau aku struggle untuk kurus, and masa tu tiba-tiba ramai laki hulur perkenalan, macam mana nak tau diorang ikhlas, sedangkan masa kau gemuk, nobody cares to come to your life..?" 

Good vibes had been hugging me all the way, which I don't even care on my misery anymore.. So yeah, maybe it's because good things had been happening to me so far.. And thus, I decided to just not stressing myself on "nak kurus" and I just focused on my life, to love myself more than else... So yeah, I don't know what's happening to me but somehow, I felt good.. Well, I know my stressing life would be coming real soon since I'm back to class starting tomorrow but let's just hope I could cope with it and hopefully, back to my writing life because I swear, I missed writing, a lot.. 

Assalammualaikum..

#7seriesofwriting 1: Love [click here]

#7seriesofwriting 2: Lonely [click here]
#7seriesofwriting 3: Jealousy [click here]

credits: Wirianna

Trying to put the words by words...
There's lots in this messy mind..
Yup, it was never empty...
Hang on... This is not a poetry..
But this is just a way, to see where my mind is going...

How do you portray a betrayal in a first place..?
Would it be, when your sister eats good foods and left none for you..?
Or maybe...
When all of your family when on a vacation without you..?

No?
They're not a betrayal to you..?
Okay perhaps not..
But it's disappointing.. Right..?

A disappointment might sound as the worst feelings in life...
But to be honest..
A betrayal would left the worst feeling ever..
It's an unspoken feelings, which could not be portrayed at all...
How..?

Have you ever been in a situation..
Where you trusted ones, sharing the secrets but then you got to know that there's no more secrets left..?
Or maybe, when you got to know that someone that you loved, was no longer fully yours..?
What about, when your soul loved someone, but ended up you got to know that the other half was mended or married to another person..?

There's no words to describe those feelings..
And when it happened..
All you would do is to cry...
Hoping that you could rewind the time..
And fix everything...

Could you ever say a word to portray the words..?
No, right..?
It remained unknown in the life's dictionary...
Which is why it's the worst feelings ever..!

People could say...
"If life gives you lemon, make a lemonade..!"
But when you're betrayed..
There's no time for a lemonade..
As the lemon itself had wound you deeply...

So..
Would you love to join me for a sesh of lemonade...?

I had been postponing this post for too long..!Wrote half of it before entering semester 4 and apparently, my semester 4 had ended for a week and semester 5 is coming up real soon so I should immediately post this one up.. haha.. To be honest, I couldn't think of any shorter name for the title, simply because I think it would be much proper for the search engine and hopefully, it would at least be a help for my future junior especially for the ex-Diploma in TESL of KUPTM KL whom might be considering if they should take this course or not, simply because it's quite uncommon to everyone.. 

 "Isn't it safer for me to just be in TESL line?"

You guys are lucky as there will be Bachelor in TESL in KUPTM soon and as far that I know, the first batch would be this year.. I'm not sure if it's true or not but maybe you could check this personally on the website..? 

"What could I be in the future if I'm taking this?"

Well, this subject would be the route for you to become anything.. You could work on the corporate line, the media, translator; basically involving companies or you could still become a teacher if you want to but obviously, not a government ones.. According to the dean, she encouraged her students to take this course instead of TESL simply because, there's no restriction on your future and it's much more flexible in what you could be.. Plus, most our seniors do get a job immediately right after the internship, so yeah, no worries on what you would be.. Allah SWT would definitely lead you to the best, just put your best faith in "Him".

Okay so basically, I managed to skip the first two semester due to full credit transfer and I guess I should remind you that KUPTM normally changes it's course planner quite often, so there's a possibility that you would take other subject first instead of what I listed on here, but still, you will have these subjects in your future list.. I could only help you by giving a brief of what the subjects that I had taken were all about and hopefully, you would get the essential idea of how your life would be.. hehe..

i. POLITICS & WORLD CIVILISATION 
If you're not into politics, this subject might be a boring ones for you but no worries, the lecturer for this subject is such a prince charming since he tolerated with us a lot and I'm sure he will remain the same with others. Anyways, all you would be learning are the various theory of politics itself, the divisions, the wars; World War I & II, and the crisis of Middle East countries. As for the assignment, the only major ones is for your to work in a group and each of the group member needs to select a country of same continent and do some political research of the country. The rest..? It's quiz and final paper..

ii. ACADEMIC LISTENING AND SPEAKING
This is one of the subject that none should fail.. It's the easiest thing ever since all you need to do is to listen and speak.. Well, perhaps some writing but listening is the key.. 100% coursework depending on both of your skills..

iii. INTRODUCTION TO THE STUDY OF LANGUAGE 
This is one of the hard core subject but let me declare a thing.. I love this class the most, simply because of the lecturer was so kind and good in teaching.. You might struggle a bit in understanding the subject but if you're my juniors in tesl, I would say this is something similar to sociolinguistics but it's a lighter version of it.. Well, the final exam for her paper wasn't easy but at least, I scored the best for the coursework and yup, in the end, I don't care about the final much.. hehe..

iv. ENGLISH LANGUAGE EVOLUTION AND CHANGE

This one, is a killer subject of all, so far but I have to say, there were times I felt that I'm having fun studying the histories of English.. There's a final paper for this subject and the coursework wasn't my favoritism.. Furthermore, it was taught by the dean at my time, and it was hectic to manage with her schedule... There were times where we had replacement class on Saturday but the bonus thing, she provides us free breakfast of cereals and milk.. 💕

v. TAMADUN ISLAM DAN TAMADUN ASIA (TITAS) 
I personally don't favor this subject.. Well, don't get me wrong.. I love history but this one, most of it was something that we already know and lecturer was kinda dull to me.. Trust me, I only read all of the notes for the final paper by myself as I couldn't catch him in class.. He got distracted easily, often of topics and he loved talking about early marriage.. But, I had fun with the coursework, especially when we're assigned to be in a group, to shoot a video and present about the unique traditions or culture.. Mine was the best since we made some research regarding "kuda kepang" which was something new for us..,However, it's quite frightening to remember the masks or the dance since, you know, they're mystical in a way..  😅

Well, to be honest, the start of my degree wasn't really bad but for now, I'm kinda nervous waiting for my semester 4 result.. I would only update the review of semester 4 once my result is out which most probably, by next week.. It's so fast, I know... I didn't even noticed my holiday is coming to an end.. huu... Anyways, wish me luck please...! 🙈

Assalammualaikum...

I'm finally free for this few weeks..!! Well, hopefully I won't use the time to procrastinate by watching dramas only.. hehe.. To be honest, I'm in mood of singing lately, which I noticed I would just hum anywhere, whenever I'm alone which is, kinda weird for me.. But since I'm in such a mood, I was thinking of, why not I'm using it to complete the "30 Songs Challenge" that I had left for quite some time..

To be honest, it took me quite some time to think on a song that triggers my happy mood, because, most of the time, I preferred to sing or listen on soothing songs, which more made me just smile, all fluttery instead of feeling, "I'm so happy..!"... You get what I mean..?

Assalammualaikum..

#7seriesofwriting 1: Love [click here]

#7seriesofwriting 2: Lonely [click here]

credits: huaban

She was looking at a girl...

Not so skinny, but enough to be every girl's goal...

With crystal clear skin, with round eyes and plump lips...

"How can I deny her beauty..?"

She reflected her own body...

It's not even close to any body goals..

It's a huge potato with a face of the moon's surface..

Not even close to any crystal...

"And all you could do is to dream, self...!"

"Sometimes, the world is so unfair, don't you think..?"

A skinny girl..

Ate so much but remains skinny...

She went to the shop and could get almost everything for herself..

Social media..? 

"You're hot, will you be my girl?" - guys

A big size girl..

Struggled on a diet but nothing much changed..

She went to the shop and could barely fits into anything...

Social media..?

"I'm sorry, I had things to do.. Contact you later..? *and soon banished from sight*" - guys

"How I wish there's only one size in this world..!"

"You really think it's the solution to this..?"

"What..? Look at me..! And look at her..! Why can't I be like her..?!"

"Take a deep breath and free out your thoughts.."

"You guys might be different in the eyes but please pull up your mind straight and look at her with your heart..!"

She looked at the beautiful girl again and noticed a change..

The girl was smiling at her and reached out her hands..

"Where have you been? I was waiting for you, friend.."

credits: Nhienan

I guess I had dump this site for too long till everything felt awkward for me.. It's like, I wanted to write about my eid, by I guess I should just calm down till I get the writing momentum back.. But again, I don't want to break the record of no post at all for a month, and I do realize there are two challenges that I had been procrastinating on; "#7SeriesofWriting" which there's still 6 series that I should complete and last but not least, "The 30 Songs Challege" which I had abandon it for months...! So let's just get back to these challenges, shall we..?

If you had been following my old chapters, you might know from one of the post that I was previously a bully victim in school.. Not physically but emotionally, due to my size.. However, I used to have a best friend which I had known her since standard 5,  and we had spend almost every spare moment together.. We became best friends when we were in standard 6 and went to the same high school..However, everything started to change only when she moved out to Kelantan when we're in form 2... School was literally hard without her, as she was literally, my life and people started to treat me badly only when she left.. We were never in the same classes  but every empty moments was filled by her.. 

Before she moved out, she left me a letter, and along with it was a lyric of her favorite song and also her best jam, "Kenangan Terindah" which somehow, relates to the situation and yes, she's part of my best memory.. 

To be honest, we do still keep in touch with each other.. It's just, we barely talks now due to distance.. But trust me, she's still the best I ever had.. Well, how could I forget her when we even shared part of our name together, right, Anis Enne Nuramira..?
Just for you to know, you're always the best I ever had and I do wish for your all time happiness.. I love you.. 🤗

Happy 24th years of breathing dear self... There's still no sweet treats for you since it's a holy month and you're still on holiday but hey, at least you got plenty of love for today... The most heart-warming moment was to know how much love people had been feeling for you and in the end, you just realized that you're still important to them.. For the positive vibes that you had been spreading, congratulations dear self.. For the negativity that you had in life, may you slowly learn how to tune it into a positivity.. Nobody is perfect, but this growing process of yours may affect others too so please, cope with it well.. It's a new life waiting ahead, more adventurous moment waiting for you, or perhaps, a prince charming would be appearing soon..? Who knows, right..? Just don't stop having faith in you.. Keep chasing your dreams, have a wonderful journey and I'll definitely see you again in another year with the same date, okay dear self..? Just remember, no matter what you did or whatever awaits in the future, I'll always love you..

With love, 

Yourself...💕

"I tried to put this in words... In a secretive way... But those memories were too good, that I hate for it to be a secret..."

"Why don't you tell this directly..?"

"Why can't I do it indirectly..?"

"You need to express it.. It's now or nothing... Signal him something...! Come on...!"

"But HOW..?! What if he's too blind to see it..? Or.. What if I'm just too late..?!"

"Or... What if he's reading this now..? Shouldn't you just write this..?"

"Even if he's reading this now, would it change anything..?"

"Don't you love him..?"

"How do I define that word in the first place..?"

"Okay.. Let's start with this... Do you even like him from the start...?"

"No... I disliked him at the first glance.. Those tiny eyes and serious expression doesn't charmed me at all but my friend thought he was attractive.."

"And now...?"

"What do you mean by now..? It's been months since the last time I met him.."

"Okay, faulty question.. And then..?"

"What..?"

"Can't you just stop playing around..?!"

"Okay... I don't know why but I can't stop thinking of him, although it's been months since things ended.. I kept thinking how charismatic he was whenever he's doing his duty.. Such a flaming charisma.. However, he had a cheeky smile and attitude which I only realized after we got to communicate to each other.Those eyes which annoyed me at first, is something that I admired the most now..  There are times he would seek for my help and I could never say no to him, and there are times where I felt like he purposely did the thing just to trouble me but somehow, I'm delighted to do the work for him.. And out of my realization, I kept looking for him in silence throughout the end of my days..."

"Well.. It ended.. Your only source of happiness had ended.."

"Umm.. Not really.."

"Meaning..?

"Well, we followed each other on soc-med and seeing his name is enough to make my day.. Just enough to make me smile for the whole day.."

"Doesn't that just define what you've been feelings..?"

"What..?"

"Love.. Back to your question.. How do I define love...? The answer is this feeling of yours is something we called love.. He made your day in silence, and you just can't stop thinking of him.."

"What if.. He's just a crush..? Maybe I just admired him.. That's all.."

"How long has it been since the last time you met him..?"

"8 months"

"If he's just a crush, shouldn't it be over now and you should be having a new crush right after the new life started... The thing is, it hasn't over yet and you kept hoping for his presence in silence.. If that's not something that you could call love, then, what is it..?"

I'm planning to update some poetry or other stuff but hey, my first voting experience should be potrayed here, just a reminder for myself how it was voting for the first time.. Oh wait, I'm not that eager actually.. I was too lazy to get out today and the first thing that crossed out my mind was, "Can't I just stay at home..?"

Yeah.. I'm not in spirit of voting although I'm the first timer, just because I don't want to queue up under the hot weather. But then, it was my obligation as the Malaysian citizen to vote so yeah, I did get off my bed and followed my sisters to the school for voting.

We went there before lunch hour and luckily, all of us settled within an hour. To best part..? Mine settled in less than 10 minutes, simply because there's no one on the line and I was the only person that went to "saluran 8" at that particular moment while some other saluran was filled with people queuing up.. Ateh even complained saying " Patut kau first timer, rasa feel mengundi.. Ni mengundi sensorang.."😂

But as long as I did my part, who cares if I don't get the feeling I'm supposed to..? haha.. 

To be honest, I'm not a bias of any party.. Right from the start, I was completely neutral but if I you're asking me about my state, Negeri Sembilan, I would definitely vote for BN, just because Dato' Seri Mohammad was the best that we ever had..  I even told my sisters that if he's competing to be the PM, he would definitely be in my list and I won't even look on others.. I love how humble he was and how he could joke around with people.. He blended in just well.. 

But I'm not really sure on others.. I mean.. I don't really look up on others simply because I don't know or never been able to meet them in person but I do have a favor of a bit wanting to change, just to see what would it be if BN doesn't rule for once.. Would it truly be a better country..? Or would it be the worst..? Will they truly grant those countless words that they had been spreading around..? Won't there be any hidden agenda..? What would happen on the next 5 years..? And the most important thing, just what would happen in the future..? 

And seems like, we're changing this time, although it's not official yet.. Well at least, Negeri Sembilan is changing.. I'm not truly delighted that my state is not under my favorable MB anymore but oh well, I should give the new ones a chance.. Who knows it would be better..? All I could do is to pray that the decision was the best let's just hope for improvement, day by day.. 😉

Ps// dear tok mad, thank you for proving to us that you could lead us a better life.. You're the best, tok.. 🙏

One thing I love about life, is how Allah had organized our life in a meaningful way. It was a bumpy road for me since the middle of degree as I started to be in depression despite I tried my best to live my life to the fullest. Things seemed bothersome to me and I started not to be me.I started to get impatient and things get so wrong when I couldn't voiced out my feelings at all...

Being someone in ones life is a pleasure.. To be called as friends, the acceptance in a group is something I belief, everyone's hoping for..But one thing that I hate about life,is that people could change in a blink of the eyes... I was once yelling to be back to the place where so called "home", a place where I felt I'm belong into... But right now.. Those excited feelings ain't there anymore... Everything... Just.. Felt.. So.. Wrong... 

It's getting awkward, day by day.. Those eyes.. Ain't pleasurable for me anymore.. All I could feel was a pretense, just like I had been doing some sort of mistakes and those unwanted feelings just getting stronger... I tried to comfort myself as if it was just my random feelings but how could this  unwanted feelings increase it's power every single day..? In the end, I'm just left out in depression of my own.. 

In the end, this feelings remains in silence and the only solution that I could see, is to me to move out and find a little heaven, just for myself... It might be a little lonely, without them but at least, I'm not losing any of them directly.. Right..? And at least, we're good till the end, just what they had promised to me.. Let's just hope it would.. Guys... If any of you are reading this, I just want to let you guys know that I just love you guys so much that I don't want argue or be awkward with any of you...  Let's just stay friends till the end..😊

They say..

"Just be yourself..!"

"Let people accept you for who you are..!"

"Never change yourself for others..!"

"People may judge but there will still be people whom loving you..."

And I said...

"If people do accept me for who I am.."

"Why am I still losing ones day by day...?"

"Why do that person kept putting a gap between us..?"

"Am I that horrible..?"

"Well, it's just means that the person ain't the best in your life.."

But.. 

What if...

It's just me whom really need to change..? 

Just maybe, I act in my worst..

And maybe.. 

I should change to be a better version of my own..

Don't you think so..?

And my mind answered, 

"Who are you trying to flatter to..? Yourself... or others..?"

Just right after, the heart whispered,

"Can't you just stop thinking on others and just love yourself more..? It's your responsible to produce the best version of you and each person do have flaws.. Stop judging yourself but keep constructing a better you.. If it's not you, who else would..?"

Dearest self...
If people kept leaving, it might not because of you...
It might be because of themselves..
It was their flaws of not accepting you for who you are...
Stop concerning on others...

But never neglect any advices..
Change when you could..
Accept it when you would...
But stop forcing yourself...
That's how your life should be..