Chapter 104: Those Desperate Feelings

Wednesday, July 10, 2019


Have you ever been in the situation where you just want everything to be in place...? For once, No, basically thousand of times, I wish I am skinny and lately, this feeling is drowning me crazy... I guess I am just tired of going on and off the diet, I am just sick of holding myself back but slow in progress.. I am sick of going back and forth as if there is no ending for this crazy cycle of mine.. 

I started to feel even crazier when I was on my way back, and all of the sudden the thought of why can't anyone just at least, put the attention on me or at least, just look at me as a normal person..? Somebody once tried to speak to me in my journey back while riding the mrt, and he honestly pulled me down to God knows how much I'm crying inside.. 

He started the conversation by asking the time, and then he started the question by asking, "why is your bag smaller than your body..?", proceeded to " Do you have a boyfriend?",  "Have you ever been in relationship before" and the last question that pulled my spirit off, " why was he with you...? Is it because of money...? Are you rich..?"

That was just when everything hit me off, which I knew all he meant was, you're an overweight and please lose your fats or unless if you're rich, it would be a wonder if a guy ever wants to be with you... 

I really want to love myself more but how could I when the treatment that I get could barely made me appreciate myself even more..? To be honest, I am tired of hiding myself, being unmotivated just because of my size and I even told a friend of mine, I am desperate to lose weight and for once, I really want to succeed in this... I am tired, but just how could I stop when I could never be good to myself..?Maybe, if I did lose weight, I would stop suffering myself.. I guess..?

Chapter 103: Isn't He Kind...?

Wednesday, June 19, 2019


Oh God.. I miss writing and ranting here... The writing spirit is always with me in here but somehow, it's been almost 2 months for the since I accidentally spilled water on the keyboard and to type using external keyboard is just unsatisfying but I had to bear with this huge keyboard just for the sake of assignments..

Thankfully, I don't really missed out much as I had to write some self poems and short stories for one of the assignment; which is a bit burdensome but I have to say, I enjoyed it by bits.. hehe.. So... "How's life...?" 

People might ask...

Well... Surprisingly, it's getting better.,.. I thought 2019 would be the worst for me, but Allah S.W.T is just to kind to pull me out from the misery... It's not really going as how I wished; I lost some and I gained some, might have to deal with hypocrisy as well and regained with one that I had lost before but here's a fact; I'm never alone..I'm blessed to have some friends whom would just keep me in positivity.. 
"Allah tu baik, kan...?"
It was a statement, rather than a question from a friend, to me.. My heart ponders when she asked me that because let's face it, it's just something that most of us might even forgets and in fact, we may not even realized about it.. Just one thing to be grateful off, to know someone whom would remind me on how blissful the life should be and never question or compare your life with others because in the end of the day, Allah S.W.T would always grant you with the unexpected joy of life.. 
So, isn't He kind...? Because to me, He is... 
credit: tumblr
p/s: It might already too late but since we're still in the eid mode, Selamat Hari Raya everyone... 💕

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