Chapter 104: Those Desperate Feelings

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Assalammualaikum..

Have you ever been in the situation where you just want everything to be in place...? For once, No, basically thousand of times, I wish I am skinny and lately, this feeling is drowning me crazy... I guess I am just tired of going on and off the diet, I am just sick of holding myself back but slow in progress.. I am sick of going back and forth as if there is no ending for this crazy cycle of mine.. 

I started to feel even crazier when I was on my way back, and all of the sudden the thought of why can't anyone just at least, put the attention on me or at least, just look at me as a normal person..? Somebody once tried to speak to me in my journey back while riding the mrt, and he honestly pulled me down to God knows how much I'm crying inside.. 

He started the conversation by asking the time, and then he started the question by asking, "why is your bag smaller than your body..?", proceeded to " Do you have a boyfriend?",  "Have you ever been in relationship before" and the last question that pulled my spirit off, " why was he with you...? Is it because of money...? Are you rich..?"

That was just when everything hit me off, which I knew all he meant was, you're an overweight and please lose your fats or unless if you're rich, it would be a wonder if a guy ever wants to be with you... 



I really want to love myself more but how could I when the treatment that I get could barely made me appreciate myself even more..? To be honest, I am tired of hiding myself, being unmotivated just because of my size and I even told a friend of mine, I am desperate to lose weight and for once, I really want to succeed in this... I am tired, but just how could I stop when I could never be good to myself..?Maybe, if I did lose weight, I would stop suffering myself.. I guess..?

24 comments

  1. For me, they have sickass mouth. Don't listen to people, but listen to yourself. If your body now caused much trouble in your health or anything related, you have to do something. If don't, it's up to you whether you want to change it or not. It's all depends on you, love yourself girl. Body size doesnt determine your beauty, your heart is. For me, body size and look are not something important, but personality. Your personality carries everything

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    1. So far, my body had been so kind and while almost all nurses and doctors had been over-concerning each time i'm visiting them, Alhamdulillah everything is still fine for me... Well, i do know that personality does matters but we could never deny the fact that for most human, physical would always be the first thing in judgement... Still.. Thank you for being one of those with good personalities... Sending all love from here.. πŸ’•

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  2. JAngan diet! Memang stress kalau diet. Tapi cuba EAT HEALTHY :) Cut air manis. And then banyakkan protein compared to carbo. Slowly but surely. InshaAllah :)

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    1. I am trying to... still, thank you.. πŸ’•

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  3. Honey, you're beautiful just the way you are. In order to make people accept you for who you are, you have to accept yourself first. There's no wrong in wanting to be prettier but do it for yourself not others, especially not for that rubbish mouth of a man. <3

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    1. I am trying to pull myself for the sake of myself but somehow, those people just broke my mindset.. trying hard to get back on the straight mind.. Thank you for spirit.. πŸ’•

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  4. A man like that is not a man at all. He was nothing short of rudeness and ill-considerate towards you. Whatever he said to you are invalid seeing where those words came from. I think you're beautiful and the thoughts you've shared on this blog has always inspired me. You're working on yourself for your own health and that effort takes a lot of grit and confidence. That's exactly what you have been doing all along. Don't let that man's words bring you down! He's nowhere near your level! We all believe in you! <3

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    1. *nothing but short of
      sorry for the typo!

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    2. Reading your comment made me in tears.. haha.. Thank youuu.... I am trying hard to pull myself once again... πŸ’•

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  5. Dear , Hanis. You are beautiful as you are. Beauty is subjective dear. Beauty from within is a true beauty. After all , just ignore what people said . I know it is not easy but we need to just ignore people who giving us negative vibes . Just take the positive people. And, you have to learn to love yourself dear. Be strong okay <3

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    1. I am trying to, and thank you nadia... I will try my best to love myself even more... πŸ’•

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  6. That was so rude of him! He should have never said that to you.

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    1. It was not the first time I got those kind of comments from someone like him but, the way he talks loudly, it just hurts..

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  7. My dear, I truly know how you feel. Because just like you, I am big as well. Nak cari baju pun kemain susah apakan lagi pasangan. Kind of embarrassed that I always shop at the men's section all the time. And just like you, I got that questions a lot too. To be honest, I am kind of glad that I am fat and difficult to deal with and understand, because then I know when someone sticks around, they truly want to. But for now, I am genuinely happy being alone and just live for myself. I am focusing on traveling the world, enjoying everything I ever want to do and try to fulfill my bucketlist. Although nak kurus tu ada in my list but I will lose my weight for myself when I really want to. Not because others tell me to do so, especially men. They don't have the right to tell me how I should dress, what I should eat and how I should look like.

    Here's to the both of us ❤️

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    1. I always admire someone like you.. Plus size but filled with confidence.. I really want myself to have the same mentality but i guess i am still mellow.. Gonna push myself and be bold.. Thank you.. πŸ’•

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  8. how the heck people can be that rude to strangers. someone should really teach him a lesson. i was having this kind of moments quite much recently. i i just feels like everyone around me really got it together so well. it's hard to love myself cause it also feels like im not loving myself enough that i let myself away. it's okay. it's hard to love yourself and that's okay too. yaccepting yourself first so that you can oove yourself more is far more important. even if it takes time.

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    1. I wonder why they thought it's okay to blunt to strangers. I'm sorry that you faced almost the same community as well.. I am taking my sweet time here.. πŸ’•

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  9. Hi sis, please be strong <3 pernah rasa nak semua perfect jugak sebab i got so much pimples on my skin :( but now dah okay sikit. Hope you'll be fine. sending love from me to you.

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    1. Thank you for the love.. Sending the love back to you.. πŸ’•

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  10. Insecurity is a very strong feeling, I know. And I know no matter how much of comforting words you get would never ease such feeling but that's all I could do for you, Anis. Nobody should ever feel insecure about their appearance, and nobody should body shaming other people. Ignore what others said, just feel confident of yourself, love yourself more, okay?

    Anyway, if you ever encounter such incident again, please promise me you would curse them back? Haha jk jk. Don't downgrade yourself to their level, they don't deserve it.

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    1. Reading the comments here made me feels of riding the roller coaster.. I smiled, cried and you made me laugh at the same time.. I would definitely curse them back if this incident occur again.. haha.. πŸ’•

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  11. omg tht guy eee i really want to slap his face. do he really know you or stranger out of nowhere?

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    1. He's a total stranger out of nowhere.. Please slap him for me..

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  12. Eiiiee... tak matangnya lelaki tu. just ignored him.
    Dear Hanis Mrs. A punya s.i.l pun bigsize jugak but still ada yang nak kat dia.
    Alhamdulillah husband dia sayang dia just the way she is.

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