She paused the screen.. The question was not directed to her but suddenly, it's been playing in her mind.. She kept questioning herself, " Do I..?"

Assalammualaikum.. As I was in the blog-walking mode, I noticed that most of them are only 15 and yes, they are nervous thinking of their big day .. And I couldn't help but to notice that most of them are still miserable thinking of which route they should choose, either the famous science stream or the so-so art stream.. Why did I say famous or so-so?

Sometimes, I wonder... 

Am I happy with my life?

When I was a kid, I used to life in my own imagination..

Where happiness is living around while sadness doesn't exist in the dictionary...

Where success could be achieved easily without the existence of effort.. 

Where everything goes right and wrong just vanished from the world..

Where Prince Charming appears and fairy tales are real.. 

Where appearance is not a matter to anyone and beauty applies to everyone..

Where everyone stays and no one is leaving...

But...

As the time past by...

The imagination bounced itself, reflecting life in other way.. 

Happiness dissolved itself with not only sadness, but various of emotions.. 

Success? 

It doesn't exist without the existence of effort..

And nothing would goes right without left by it's side..

Prince Charming?

You would learn that he would still appears but not as smooth as the fairy tales.. 

Appearance?

You would learn that you're living in a judgemental world... 

But beauty is a subjective of someone's perspective.. 

And you would learn..

That no one remains forever in your life.. 

Dear self, if you're asking whether am I happy or not..

The answer is I am happy but I'm living with an empty hole...

As it's completely different from what my mind had expected..

But dear self...

Now I'm wondering...

Why should I live if nothing goes wrong..?

Isn't life means to fix your life for a better future? 

So dear self..

If you're questioning me...

Am I happy with my life?

The answer would always be, YES..!

-Flavnesz-

Assalammualaikum..

It's every girls' dream to have a smooth and flawless skin, right? I wouldn't deny, I'm one of those whom wished those stuff but a dream would only left as a dream if there's no effort.. Lately, I've been stumbled with some blogs whom giving some tips regarding beauty stuff and as I am into currently into those topics, I would immediately read it (as the matter of fact, I read almost entry that appeared on my reading list).. One of them is Syaza's skincare tips and she suggested me to share my daily skincare.. I was thinking, why not, kan?

Meet my skin saviour, Pink by Pure Beauty.. They came into my life when the red, puffy cheeks appeared.. I had to say, when the first time I found them on my fb timeline, I decided to check the reviews on their page, and surprisingly, they had all positive comments.. Without wasting any moment, I went to Watsons (as they're the only certified shop for this product) and grab this products.. 

This one works like a toner and I would apply it right after washing my face.. It's always impress me as the cotton pad always had something, showing that the unseen particle had been removed, even when I'm not going anywhere that day.. Dulu selalu rasa macam, ala hari ni tak keluar rumah,mesti takda ape kat muka so tak payah la pakai toner.. But my principle changes now.. ==" 

• So Glow Essence & Pudding Cream: Keeps the skin dewy and dehydrated

These ones acts as the  glowing and pinkish skin agent.. Not pretty sure on that fact but I have to admit, it feeds my skin with the exact vitamin, helping it to stay hydrated.. One thing made me totally in love with these two was they had the best smell, not the typical smell that was provided by other product.. So bila nak tidur, kulit rasa happy sebab dia dah dapat supplement and bau wangi melekat dekat muka.. Something like face therapy jugak la kot.. XD

The result? 

Well, it's not officially flawless yet but at least it's better than before.. My forehead had never been the acne-free zone before and now I barely could feel any of their existence, and my dehydration-puffy-red cheeks are gone.. Time to focus on the dark circle.. Anyone has any good tips, besides myself being a sleeping beauty?

Assalammualaikum.. To those whom had read the information tag, you may know that I'm actually on a weight loss journey.. It was my own desire to be on this route and luckily, I'm surrounded with positive vibes and supportive friends.. However, I always lost the battle with my own lust over food and I always need a timeline for me to accomplish and slowly achieve my goals.. I'll be updating my progress as a reminder for myself and hence, stopping myself from giving up or lose from the track..

The first time I decided to focus on my diet, it was when I entered the hostel of KPTM KL.. However, my diet kept switching and it was hard for me to be strict with my diet, as I need to cook in order to be in a clean diet.. I started to be totally serious when I moved to a rent house and I managed to cook my own diet food.. However, I'm taking it slowly as there's nothing to rush me.. When one of my sister, Ateh, told me that she was getting married, that was when I'm in rush.. She decided that all of my girl siblings should wear a dress from their favourite shop, Imaan Boutique, which I had never own one due to my big size..

When the boutique came out with the sale, my sisters brought me to the shop to give a try on the biggest size available and the result was just like I expected... I couldn't zip in the dress..  It was only less than 3 months left from the date and without thinking further, they just grab the dress for me, despite the fact that I could not even wear it.. In order to make the money into a waste and for not be a weirdo during the big day, I'm determined to focus on Atkins diet.. Simply because it was the quickest way to lose weight for a busy and lazy person like me.. It might be a bit unhealthy but I had done a full survey of the diet and I'm alert with the consequences and how to avoid it from becoming a problem..
Alhamdulillah I'm not the weirdo on the day.. I'm the happiest person when I managed to fit in the dress and that's the end for the first timeline.. The 2nd timeline would end on the 1st March 2017, hoping I could fit into a new size of the same brand dress, for my another sister's wedding, Kakak... Oh well, Kakak promised for a new dress of my own choice if I managed to reduce one size and oh well, I guess Imaan Boutique dresses was one the reason of why I want and need to lose weight.. Simply because, my siblings love you and I'll love you too..     

Assalammualaikum..



Life had been quite harsh to me lately.. My uncle past away on last thursday and yesterday, my result came out and it was pretty awful for my record.. I had expected for not being in the dean list, but I didn't expect it to drop a lot.. I cried a lot during  last semester and I stressed myself as there was too many things to cope; drama productions, big book, games, micro-teachings which everything was either involving group or pairs.. 

I hate the fact that the ones whom didn't co-operate the most would get the benefit and gain better results while the ones whom struggle a lot, had to share the results with them.. I was demotivated after my result came out, even I keep calming myself that everything has their own reason.. I keep telling myself, "Allah nak bagi kau reward lain tu, sabar.. " but the other negative said of me keep saying, "Macam mana kalau memang nothing good coming towards..?"

Ya Allah, maafkan aku kerana meragui kuasa-Mu... I'm just too disappointed for not able to bring good results for my dad, after lots of money he had to spend for me during the whole semester.. After the tragedic incident, as everything I am doing are for him,  I felt like I failed this time..

Last night, after getting my result, I waited for him to come back from the tahlil of my late uncle.. Once he arrived, I hugged him and I kept apologizing to him for not being able to perform myself this time.. He acted like it didn't effect anything and he said, "Papa tak marah.. Kalau betul kau belajar, dah tu rezeki yang kau dapat, papa nak cakap apa? Dah ni jalan yang kau pilih, tempuh la... Habiskan apa yang perlu.." 

From the bold sentences, I know that deep inside, he was still disappointed with my decision of changing the course.. I only had 2 semester left, and this time, I need to perform well and proof to him that taking TESL was not a mistake... May Allah be with me till the end and help me in the journey of taking my dad's heart..      

Assalammualaikum...

Being a big size girl is not an option.. I believe, no one asked for it.. It's just a fate that Allah had granted to certain people but humans tend to forget that.. Well, not everyone would but trust me, there are lots of judgemental people whom looking down at us.. Some may accept fat people as if nothing wrong with it but some would be cynical .. And that's what I've been going through for years...

When you're a kid, the term 'gemuk' would always hurtful enough but you wouldn't care.. Your life is all about having fun and eat delicious food but as the time past by, it would be hard for you to hear the word but actually people is insulting you silently... Well, I used to found a written doodle on one of the school table , insulting me as it's written, "(......) Razanah besar macam (.....)"

I censored them as it's would not be nice for people to read it.. Believe it or not, they became in chaos when they knew I had a bf at that particular time.. And some was eager to know how and why he chose me, as if he's blind enough to be with me.. Not enough with that, even my ex received their judgement, saying "oh biasa je.. " and "oh.. takde la hensem pun.."

After SPM, I'm too afraid to go to college simply because of my size... That's when I realize I'm becoming an introvert.. I didn't speak to anyone as I felt like people are looking at me weirdly.. However, they approached me and somehow, everything changed... My perception that skinny people would not approved fat person as their friends had vanish.. Well, maybe not everyone would accept you in fat version but without realizing it, you tend to just ignore it.. Afterall, it's the process of being an adult and size won't be a matter in friendship anymore, at least for some people.. Right?  

Assalammualaikum..

Since I've mistakenly deleted most of my entries, especially the drafts, I had to re-write this question tag.. Well, it has 50 questions for me to answer which would be an ideal way for you to know me better (probably)..? Thanks Liyana for coming out with such interesting tags..

Assalammualaikum..

As for me, I am under Manamana Production and we performed ''Cendol Weather''..  We had an unpleasant start and we hardly cope with each other having lots of inner problems starting from selecting the scripts up to the props and practice timing as the actors always showed up late and causing the practice to end at 10 the earliest.. Yeah.. We spent our nights practicing in the college.. During our big show, we are supposed to perform for two days to complete our tasks but to some critical reasons, we had to stop performing after the first performance.. It's hard for everyone to accept the reasons but nothing we could do, thinking for the sake of safety of everyone, especially the audience..

While stressing on managing the performance from bare to the end, it's obvious that there are other subjects to be focused on.. Well, another core subject of this semester was Teaching Reading and Writing.. Well, you could already grab the gist of what you need to master on.. We need to learn on how to teach the primary kids reading and writing skills. Other than the normal, boring microteaching, one of our toughest task of this subject was to create the big book... We need to use our own creativity to construct a huge book in order to attract the kids to read.. We spend most of our time and holidays just to complete this book.. 

The third core subject for the semester was Teaching Listening and Speaking.. This was a more relaxing class, but! Oh well, here you go... The hardest challenge was we had to brainstorm ideas for teaching in a fun way.. Kids would define fun with games so here we are, planning and making our own games from scratch.. The challenge was when we need to relate the games into education and we could not copy what had been published on the market.. Another sweaty assignments which could broke a friendship as I would say, all of them challenges your patience to cope with your group mates.. 

This semester was the craziest that I had gone through as I cried literally a lot, and to be frank, I had to call my father for money every week because every assignments needs a huge amount of money.. I would say I had spent more than RM400 only to complete this three tasks while there are actually more assignments behind this three assignment.. So to my juniors, good luck and be prepare mentally and physically to face semester four..

Guess the hibernating season had over for me.. Time for me to make this sem break a bit reproductive. I had to say, it's hard for me to make this move.. Changing ain't easy but without a trial, there's no way people to change, right? Even the gaseous nebula had to collapse in order to give birth to a star.. So, here i am.. Collapsing and crumbling every bitter memories in here but no worries, I am not destructing it.. This is just your birth, CHAPTERS... 

A perfect quote to explain my feeling to this blog right now... However, I would be back and blog construction is in progress for a total comeback.. :D