Assalammualaikum..
First of all, I would like to say thank you to those whom wished on the condolences upon my dad.. May Allah return the kindness with His bless.. As much as I am in the hell of regrets and unstoppable messed up feelings of how much I am missing my dad, I am trying to survive as well... I still need to get myself straight to complete my fyp though I have to admit, my spirit is nowhere to be seen... I am keeping myself sane, but deep inside, I just wish I didn't have to go through all this anymore...
It is an unexpected struggle, and as much as I thought 2019 would be a rainbow of mine, I had to admit, I was wrong... I had already expected it to be a year of change, but not it terms of my status.. Not with the fact that my dad is no longer with me... A change in a way of life was all I wished but did I wished it wrongly..? Those flashbacks of memories, the last moment that I had with my dad, his smile, his serious face, his jokes upon his grandchildren, his voice.... and his caring attitude whenever I am not in good health, I am officially a lone survivor now... There's no one in my life whom could be more concern about me compared to him... How do I get use to this...? What is the purpose of me struggling here...? I wonder... And somehow, I could you my sisters answered, "Ibu... You still have ibu waiting to be served with love..."
On the other hand... There's so much of studies that I need to catch up with me, bundles of assignments are waiting, it's already in the middle of the semester and yet, I had no progress with my fyp and God knows the roller-coaster ride that I am going through with my kakak... O' Allah, I wish nothing but strength and guidance for me to complete this journey... Just hold me tight and please don't let me escape from you anymore... Just keep me with you and show me the way to your rainbow of life... This is the deepest soul of mine, believing in your power and wishing upon your bliss... ðŸ˜ðŸ’”
Assalammualaikum...
Pa... It's been exactly a week since you left.... It was not a pleasant memory on how you had left, how I woke up to you bleeding on the floor.. Pa... I'm sorry that I was sound asleep when you fall down.. I'm sorry that me and ibu woke up late that day... I'm sorry that I didn't spent more time with you that night... I could barely let myself loose without any regrets but since you left us on a blissful Friday; the day of hope for everyone whom left the dun-ya, I could only keep praying to Allah to deliver my love for you and for Him to guide me to follow your way....
Pa... I hate the fact that I had never expressed on how much I love you, as I thought you won't left us without any signal.. Our last moment together, it would remain with me forever... I'm glad that I finally could talk about my life in college with you, though that would be our first and last talk but at least, I bet it eased you out a little knowing that I'm in a good hand for my fyp... Pa, I'll be staying in Seremban for good... I'll take care of ibu while finishing what I have started, but I pray Allah gave me strength to complete these tasks...
Remember last year you used to tell me that you never care about Master or Phd anymore, to just stop my journey till degree level and just get a job...? I thought you lost hope in me, not knowing it was a sign that you're getting tired... I got your signal now, and I will stop when this ended pa... For once, I will grant your wish but I won't promise you that I might not chase it anymore... It was a vow pa, a vow from my heart to you, so I might continue but for now, I'm taking a break...
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| always in my memory: Hamid Abd Kadir bin Mohd Shariff [27.2.1953 - 27.9. 2019] |
Thank you pa, for all these 25 years of raising me, for bearing with me, for having faith in me despite of how much I let you down, for being proud of me despite of you never expressed it to me and for every single love that you had poured silently towards me... Thank you for being the best father for us, thank you for educating us up to this level and yet, even after you left, there were so much surprised that we had found through your documents which reflected how great you were... We could never be as good as you pa, and life without you, it is a start of my messy life.. Rindu yang tiada penghujung, kini bermula.... Al-fatihah...
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